Everyday Life: How to Take Care of Yourself and Make Your Relationships Flourish?
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“It’s February. All around us, we see sweet-smelling red roses, pink or red heart-shaped sweets, and Valentine's Day offers for couples. For some, this day and the nearing spring are a pleasant nudge to enjoy the romantic relationships they have. For others, it just rubs salt into the wound, reminding them of their loneliness,” says Monika Aleksė, Vilnius University (VU) community psychologist.
With Valentine’s Day and springtime upon us, Monika Aleksė reminds us of three important aspects of a relationship that can be relevant to everyone – those who are romantically committed, single, or looking for a relationship. She discusses choosing a partner, nurturing the relationship, and maintaining authenticity.
Choosing romantic partners
The psychologist emphasises that choosing a romantic partner is not an easy task. While external attractiveness and other more obvious qualities can be captivating, happy relationships are built on emotional bonds. A partner with kindness, attentiveness, patience, and the ability to collaborate gives us a sense of being important and loved. It makes us feel valued and accepted as we are.
One of the essential qualities that ensure a sense of security in a relationship is the reliability and closeness of the partner. Does this person show that they will be there when we need them the most? Will they offer support and care in the face of the crisis? Reliability and closeness are invaluable assets in a relationship, helping us to endure difficult moments in life.
The VU psychologist also recommends reflecting on questions related to how thoughtful the partner is. Is this person able to respond to our feelings and needs by showing genuine empathy? Are they willing to compromise and make decisions having considered our needs?
“A sensitive partner lets us know that they consider our feelings and concerns to be important; they do not ignore them for selfish purposes. Imagine the situation: you admit to your partner that something they said hurt you. A sensitive partner will show concern and compassion for your pain and will try to avoid similar situations in the future. Instead of defending themselves or denying your feelings, they will try to understand and find a mutually acceptable solution,” she says.
Aleksė points out that a committed partner focuses on the relationship and us, thus creating a sense of security and showing that we are a priority. If, during a date, a person is more interested in their phone than conversing with you, this should ring alarm bells. Research shows that couples who are able to give undivided attention enjoy happy and stable relationships even after many years. Therefore, according to the psychologist, it is important to pay attention to whether we feel that the partner listens, is interested in asking questions, and demonstrates engagement in other ways.
“When looking for a long-term partner, it’s worth putting aside a rigid list of qualities and instead turning towards our feelings – how does the new relationship make us feel? Can we be our authentic selves with this person? Happiness is not created by a person with a certain look or status, but by a relationship based on security, respect, and commitment,” notes psychologist Aleksė.
Daily rituals form the essence of a healthy relationship
According to the psychologist, it is not surprising that in the therapy room, people often talk about relationships – both current and past. It is common to analyse and reconsider our actions, compare ourselves and our relationships with others, and recall advice from friends on how we should act in one situation or another. While listening to ourselves is extremely important, the problem arises when we unwittingly start to be guided by other people’s visions and expectations of our relationships and make decisions based on them.
“Comparing ourselves to others may be considered an innate human trait. By observing others, we perceive social norms, draw inspiration, and encourage our own development. However, the “comparison trap” lies in creating unrealistic expectations, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Social media, which is full of airbrushed moments of strangers’ relationships and impressive romantic gestures, often creates a distorted picture. The success of romantic relationships and our feelings are measured by the number of gifts and spectacular moments captured by smartphone cameras, and the daily grind of everyday life goes unnoticed.
However, healthy and successful relationships are not about fancy gifts or exciting adventures. It's the everyday habits, like the pieces of a mosaic, that support a couple’s well-being and paint a picture of a harmonious relationship. Time spent on each other, small rituals, genuine care, and openness – all these help to establish the foundation for strong relationships,” advises the psychologist, emphasising the importance of attention to each other.
Monika Aleksė gives some tips on how to foster relationships in everyday life:
• Make time for each other without distractions: take an outdoor walk in natural surroundings, cook dinner together, do shared activities, or simply have a chat.
• Create small rituals that strengthen your bond: for example, having your morning coffee or tea together, planning dates, sharing information or music with your partner, etc.
• Be attentive to each other’s needs and feelings.
• Share your thoughts and experiences openly, and don't shy away from sharing negative experiences.
• Make a conscious effort to notice the positive qualities of your partner – this is especially important, as we all know that it is easier to notice annoying details.
It is worth remembering that a relationship is not a continuous fairy tale. It requires effort, commitment, and mutual care.
Why the “I” is an important part of “We”
We often hear that the key to successful relationships is understanding and responding to the needs and feelings of the other person. Sometimes, however, when we misinterpret this advice. Sometimes, because of the fear of losing a partner, we become too focused on the other person and forget ourselves.
In fostering romantic relationships and friendships, one has to balance self-care and fulfilling the needs of another person. Personal boundaries include not only the ability to say “no” or make time for yourself but also self-perception in the context of others. It is the ability to maintain individuality and, at the same time, feel connected with others.
“Finding the balance between your needs and the ones of others is a continuous process of developing self-knowledge. By maintaining a sense of self, we can build healthy and wholesome relationships in which the needs of both sides are satisfied. Taking care of oneself does not reduce the ability to love and support others – on the contrary, it strengthens it,” says Aleksė, who goes on to explain how you can strengthen your sense of self – your “I”.
• Practise self-reflection – independently of others, reflect on your values, beliefs, and what brings you joy. Learn what is important to you, as such knowledge helps build the foundations of personal boundaries.
• Communicate openly – talk honestly with your loved ones about your needs. Express your thoughts and feelings – it is very important for mutual understanding and respect.
• Set boundaries – clearly define your boundaries and communicate them to others. Boundaries are not barriers to closeness but guidelines to promote healthy communication. By being detached or silent, we prevent others from understanding what we want and what our needs are.
• Take care of yourself – discover time for activities that physically, mentally, and emotionally refresh you. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it allows you to fully engage in relationships.
• Be flexible – combining care for others and self-care is a dynamic process, and relationships require compromises. Be prepared to look for mutually agreeable solutions when your needs do not match. Remember that compromise does not mean that you have to abandon your desires completely. The main thing is to find a balance that is acceptable to both sides.
• Foster your bonds with friends and family – just because we have a romantic relationship, we should not neglect other close connections. Friends and family can provide support and help when you feel overwhelmed or tired. Make time for meaningful connections with your loved ones.
As the psychologist Monika Aleksė reminds us: “Both nurturing relationships and taking care of yourself requires consciously setting time and putting in effort. Only by opening our hearts to both directions – the search for relationship enhancement and authenticity – can we find balance and fulfilment in relation to others.”
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